Well, I just watched Fool's Rush In for the umteenth time! It ends with my absolute most favorite Elvis song. I cry everytime I hear it. I could just be driving down the street, and it could come on...I cry. Yes, I am a totally emotional sap. It's just me. I think I have a daughter like that...maybe two. But anyway, I have wondered lately if the fairy tale ending will be in my life. I thought it was, but he lied. Maybe lied is a harsh word...How about...he wasn't completely truthful.
I watch movies like the one tonight, and I wonder how it would be to have someone hunt you down because they love you that much. To stare at you with admiration. To care so deeply that you are the only one on his mind. To sacrifice.
I sacrificed for the last one. Well, the first one too. But in different ways. With the first one, I sacrificed my life and who I was. I tried so hard to be who he wanted me to be and I ended up being someone I didn't recognize and someone he "never really loved." He just "thought I would make a great mother" for the "two children he wanted. " Maybe that's what happens when you marry a friend. I don't know. But I tried. I tried for 16 years. I even prayed after that...but there was no fairy tale ending. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, nothing I did changed the fact that I was not the one.
Then there was the next one. The last one. He's not been present in my life for a couple of years. He phones now and then, wondering how I am, expresses his feelings for me, etc. but no fairy tale here either. OH there was at one time. I was so happy. It was incredible. Where I had to drag compliments out of the first one, or beg him to buy me things; the second one was so loving and generous. He would give me the world, but there was one thing he wouldn't or said he couldn't give me...at least not then. "Maybe later." It was always, "maybe later." How many times did I hear "maybe" or "might" I don't know...I lost count. He would tell me I was gorgeous, beautiful and the most wonderful lady in the world. We sat one night in the candle light of my oversized living room, both of us sitting in the rocking chair, and listened to the Bread Anthology. It didn't cost a thing, and I felt at peace and so secure. This should have been the fairy tale. But again, where I sacrificed everything, literally everything, he wouldn't or couldn't make that sacrifice.
So, I think...I'm really not that bad to look at. I am a pretty good cook. I can do almost anything. Mostly because I have had to. AND I do mean everything. I'm fairly smart. I like to have fun. I enjoy life. But, there are times when I think it would be so nice to have someone hold me, comfort me, protect me, help me make decisions, hug me, hold my hand when we are together. Somone who cares. Someone who is willing to make the sacrifice. I'm not asking for perfect. I know that isn't something that will happen. I guess it could, but I don't expect it. I never have. I'm not saying that because I don't have this fairy tale life, that I'm not happy. I am. I try to be totally happy everyday. BUT, there are times, like tonight, when I am alone, that I really wish I had someone to spend some time with. Maybe play a game, watch a movie, go for a walk, dance in the living room. I'm not high maintenance. I'm actually a pretty simple person. I love life.
So...fairy tale life...whereever you are, I'm right here...waiting...as always...
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