Sometimes time erases life and sometimes it doesn't; or so it seems to erase things. I wonder at times why that is? The things I remember from a certain period in time completely block out other happenings. No one talks about any of it...usually…ever. It seems as though the door is shut and because of what’s in there, pain, questions, hurt, stress, fear, or whatever, no one wants to go there. But there are lessons behind that door; MANY lessons.
As I see life replaying in a different generation, the flags go up. The hurt, fear, pain and anger return as I see this replay in action. I wonder why this is SO vivid and apparent to me, yet so obscure to others. I bite my tongue, which is difficult, yet necessary. It's difficult, when they are your monkeys, swinging from vine to vine over the pits of fun and madness; some may even be pits of despair. I want to say "watch out" or "beware" but it doesn't come out. These monkeys are far too old for their mother to advise them. I want them to come to me, to confide in me. I want them to know what I know and what I've learned. There must be some value to that. There are lessons to be learned; I hate it. As a mother we want to protect them.Yet, I also know that though this vine swinging can be treacherous, and fun, there are needed lessons. So, I sit and wait with blinders on. Hoping the lessons will be learned before too much damage takes place.
I’ve been watching and thinking about things for a while now; possibly years. Today in RS our lesson was “Help from on High.” It brought me back to life 30 years ago...and then those decisions. Sort of a rewind and replay of my life. It brought me to decisions I didn't want to make, but instead of doing what I should have, and listened to my heart and the "help from on high" I listened to others; "others" who didn't know me. Who didn't know the situation; who were coming from somewhere in "their" lives and their inner person. They made suggestions which might have been right for their lives, but wasn't for mine. The told me what was best. People who were grabbing at straws themselves; they didn’t know any more than I did about their lives OR mine. Some were so quick to judge, so quick to get their say in, so quick to tell me how to run my life. I was young and desperate, with four small children. I didn’t know what I was doing either. Part of me wanted someone to tell me what to do so I didn’t have to make decisions…which could be wrong. The problem with this is, when their advice is wrong, you can sometimes blame them. You don’t have to be accountable for your actions. Alas, their “straws” didn’t work anymore in my life than mine did. I allowed the wrong "someone's" to run my life and give me advice.
There are times when I wonder what would have happened had I not listened to these well-meaning people. I can see now, thirty years later, where I am from listening, but I wonder...how would things be different or would they be different?
I do know that I came to know myself. I was brought to breaking points time and time again. Raising four children on my own was NOT what I wanted to do; it wasn’t what I ever thought I would be doing. But it brought me from a meek, naïve, young woman to what I am today. It brought me from behind the scenes to the front of the battle grounds. I fought every war for and in behalf of my children, and even fought my children. Even though I hated it, I was their fearless leader, who was SO afraid I couldn’t stand it at times. But it strengthened me.There are some who have thought I was always this strong, but they are mistaken. I was never like this thirty years ago...nothing like this. I allowed my life to be run by others; constantly being told what to do and how to do it and when to do it...what ever it was. AND "it" was usually everything, except bathing and going to the bathroom.
While I am not really fearless, I have come a long way and can lead. I have lead many battles and have kept other battles under control. I've had to put the hammer down and I've had to use "tough love"; something I absolutely HATED doing, but it worked in the long run. Another painful memory from the past. And so, while these replays hurt, they served their purpose. They remind me of what not to do in many cases and help me to make decisions now. Would I still like someone to tell me what to do so it all comes out right in the end? YOU BET!!!
There are scriptures warning us about trusting in the “arm of man” over trusting God. But lessons needed to be learned. I didn’t come to that knowledge for several years. I’ve learned that God knows us from the beginning to the end. He alone knows what we need; as a loving Father, He is always there and willing to help, even though we don’t ask. He's never far and just waiting...He’s waiting for a nod in His direction and BOOM! He's helping like you wouldn't believe. He loves us more than anyone else. He wants us to succeed. He's willing to do whatever needs to be done. He's just waiting for you to ask, send a sign in His direction or a nod. I know from experience that when you break down and begin bawling, He is right there comforting you. He never leaves you comfortless.
And so, I see this replay of life and hate it. I question it. Why do these things have to happen all over again? I know there is a lesson, and strength will follow. I know many, many things, for I've been through a lot. I want to get it all out. I want to know why. I want answers. Someday, when it's necessary, I will have them. Until then, I'm ready.