The Agony and Excess of Having Things in Storage!!!

Since walking away from my home in Missouri in June of 2008, most ALL of my things have been in storage in Utah; most of it in a storage unit almost 400 miles from me. Difficult to just "run right over" and get what I want out. Nevertheless...that's the situation with that. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I had one thing or another, OR several things with me here. There are also those things which I know are in there, which I have decided will go into a MASSIVE garage/yard sale once I have my things with me. AND there are those things which belong to my children. Those things will be put for them to decide what they want to do with them. We'll see. One "man cub" insists, with complete asurety that there is "nothing I want in there"...we'll see. More on that later I'm sure. I believe he doesn't remember certain things which I KNOW he does want and would probably fight for it. Like I said, more on that at a later date.
When I did get back to Vegas in August of 2008, I had very little. Some clothes, plants, canned goods, baking and cooking items, dog...cat...and that's about it. I "thought"...and yes, I know what thought thought...that the time between moving and selling my home would be brief. Meaning a few months. However, my home in Missouri did not sell until the end of January 2012. In that time I moved from my youngest daughter's home to a rental home, back to her home, then to my oldest daughter's home...which is where I have been since March of 2012. I thought my stay here would be brief as well as all of the other places...firmly believing that I would be in my own home soon with my things living happily ever after. I was so sure that I would be in a home by this Christmas (2013) as the offer I'd made on a home had been accepted. Then the dreaded call came...and I was devastated.
So, I swore I would not, absolutely NOT, buy anything I had in storage...well, that lasted about two years. I bought new paints, brushes, crochet hooks and knitting needles. I bought clothes and shoes. I bought baking pans and various things. ONLY to have to put them in another storage unit here, because there wasn't much room where I am. SOOOOOOOOOOOO...here we go again.
Well, with the new year coming, I decided to take inventory of things in my kitchen...which consists of six boxes. They are herbs, spices, baking things, etc. WOW!!! The vast collection was indeed overwhelming.

Now, while this may not look like much, and no big deal, I hate buying things I already have. SO, in checking out everything and taking inventory, I found this...

 ...two celery salt, three chili powders...

 ...two ground cinnamon, two bottles of whole cloves...two cream of tarter, two bottles of crushed red peppers...

 ...two bottles of curry powder...one is HOT...two bottles of garlic salt and two of ground ginger...

 ...four bottles of Italian seasoning, and two bottles of mustard seed...

 ...two bottles of paprika AND FIVE bottles of parsley flakes....four of ground pepper and one coarse black pepper...

...three poultry season, two bottles of sesame seeds and five turmeric containers!!!!!!!!!! This inventory doesn't include the behind the scenes bottles of season salt, garlic pepper, lemon pepper, bottles of vanilla, boxes of soda and tins of baking powder. There were also five or six containers of beef bouillon as well. It is safe to say I have at LEAST a years supply of some of these things, and others a five year supply!!! I also found a couple of bottles of Balsamic Vinegar, apple cider vinegar and olive oil. I wonder if I can make some sort of salad dressing concoction?!?!?!

I spent about half an hour combining half full bottles and boxes; getting rid of some things and just sloughing off the excess.
I am praying THIS will be the year to move in to my own home, have my own things, be able to use ALL of what I have; to use my talents, abilities, inventory, etc. to benefit myself and others. It may not be through food all the time. It might be something else. Only time will tell. News at eleven!

My first letter to Santa

                                                                                                        Four days before Christmas 2013

Dear Santa:

I’m sure you know who I am; rumor has it you know all of us…good and bad. I’m sure you know I’m 58 and a half years old, and this is the first time I’ve written to you; at least it’s the first time I remember writing to you. I’m sure you also know that when I was growing up, we “talked” of you, but no one ever said you did or didn’t exist. I don’t remember crying because I found out you didn’t; I guess because deep down inside, the idea of Santa was something magical. Whether or not you existed was a moot point to me as I believed in the idea of giving, of the magic and spirit of Christmas, so I don’t know that I ever needed one specific person. I believed that ALL of us had “Santa” in us.

I’ve “played” Santa many times; my children have “played” Santa. I’ve read stories about you and I’ve sung songs about you. I have incorporated you in to our Christmas by giving anonymously to others. Several times over the years, my children and I have picked families who we wanted to do something for. There were many different reasons for choosing each family. One family was chosen, NOT because we knew them well…NOT because we were really friends, but because we knew it would be the mother’s last Christmas and the nightly surprises for 12 days would be something memorable. I don’t know that they ever knew it was us, and it doesn’t matter. The only thing we desired to do was bring some kind of joy to them. Each of the other families was picked for a myriad of other reasons.

But here I sit tonight contemplating life, Christmas, humanity and the world. My heart has been touched by the pains in the world. I’ve wept over things that have happened in the news; and these things have only gotten worse in the last 15 years. I’ve pondered family, traditions, heartbreaks, joys, and memories past. I think about the future and what is ahead for my family, my life, this great country and the world. I think of those who do without on a daily basis; those who are struggling with life threatening illnesses or the complications of old age. I’ve thought a lot about my mother and her life. She will be 95 in one month. She can remember where she spent every penny she has ever had, but I’ve had to tell her 50 times how to answer her new cell phone we got her three weeks ago; also that it needs to be plugged in every night, keeping it in the box is defeating the purpose of said cell phone, which is also called a “mobile” phone because you can take it where ever you go, and keeping it next to the house phone also defeats the same purpose. So, as I ponder many, many things, I decided to write to you. Virginia did, she wrote to you…and little Susan Walker came to believe in you.

I’ll add a disclaimer here Santa…since this is my first letter and I’ve grown and aged far more than the children you receive letters from, this won’t be your typical letter. While I still have a LOT of childish tomfoolery in me, and I love to play games, do silly things with my grandchildren, laugh and have fun, I see some needs which I believe should be addressed. And so, with that, I am submitting this list of Christmas gifts.

1)      Compassion. I see folks who have lost their compassion. It’s a wonderful gift. When it’s given, it changes the heart of those who give.

2)      Healing. There are so many out there who are going through diverse illnesses and diseases. I know not all of them can be healed, but I hope most of them can.

3)      Tolerance. All of us have different beliefs, desires, passions, political affiliations, differences, religions, educations, colors, cultures, backgrounds, etc. IF each of us could be more tolerant, things might change.

4)      Respect. Each of us is a human being. We all came in to this world in the exact same way, for the most part, and we will all leave this world at an appointed time. We may be different, see the previous “gift”, but it is our differences which enrich all of our lives. All of our cultures are fascinating; they bring uniqueness to the world.

5)      Understanding. It seems that most people are so caught up in their own lives; they forget that everyone around them also has problems, challenges, health issues, struggles, and pain too. IF we could see their lives, as we see our own, it would help to be more understanding.

6)      Service. When we choose to get outside of our own lives and outside of the proverbial “box” and serve others, we will lose ourselves and our problems. When we look to see where we are needed, then, and only then, will see the needs of others and be able to serve them. When you serve others, you learn to love others.

7)      Joy. There is much sadness in the world. People need to laugh more; enjoy life more. They are so caught up in the act of survival; they have forgotten how to feel good.

8)      Peace. We live in a world where there is fighting. It may be the family next door, kids at school, OR certain factions of people…or countries. BUT there is fighting and killing. Most people want peace, but they aren’t willing to do what it takes to achieve peace.

9)      Forgiveness. Some people have a difficult time with this. They want to be forgiven, but aren’t willing to forgive others. They don’t understand that when they forgive, a weight is lifted from their heart. They can move on. When they hold those hard feelings in, they become bitter and hateful.

10)   Integrity. Somewhere, many have lost this trait and it would be a good thing to have back. People are quick to sue each other, steal, cheat or expect things they shouldn’t. They have an attitude that they are owed something, even though they haven’t worked for it. When people have to work for something they appreciate it a lot more. I know this may sound like a weird gift, but it will bring a righteous pride; a self-worth if you will.

11)   Love. Many of the above gifts will or can bring love in the end. BUT love has eluded some of us. Some are afraid of being hurt. Others are afraid of reaching out. Others can’t see past color, lifestyles or beliefs; sizes or cultures. Some can’t see past lifestyles, tattoos, piercings, fashions, or hairstyles.  IF we could love everyone, no matter what, we could change the world.

12)   Food/shelter. There are many who go without a decent meal once a day and have nowhere to live. They are out in the elements; some don’t have the clothes they need to keep warm, whether it’s their choice, or through no fault of their own.

13)   Jobs. There are many people who have lost their jobs; they have the desire to work, they just need a chance to find a job.

14)   Happiness. I see a lot of people every day who are negative and live a bitter life. I don’t know if they don’t know what happiness is, or if there is something keeping them from having happiness in their lives, but once you have it, it’s like a disease…it just spreads.

15)   Positive attitude. IF we could look beyond our troubles and grief, and look for the lessons life is giving us. What a gift!

16)   Hope. The number of people who have lost hope is astronomical. Their dreams have been shattered by so many things going on in the world and they don’t want to go on; they don’t know what to do or where to turn. They struggle with things in their lives which most people never know about; only see in the movie and can’t imagine anyone going through them. This is one of the big ones.

These are a few of the things I believe we could use at this time. I was taught the difference between needs and wants; while I know I want these things, I also know we sure need most of them. I also know these are some pretty BIG gifts and you may need help with them. I know that there is a God who hears all of our wishes, dreams, hopes, thoughts, and prayers. He is the one who can help you fill this order. Talk it over with Him and see what He thinks about it.And Santa…I have a little something personal to add. I’ve been struggling to find a home for the last few years; all of my things have been in storage for over five years. I’ve had a place to live, but I’d like a home of my own again. I don’t really need anything else, I’d just like my things which are in storage and that would be SO GREAT! I’ve been really discouraged and frustrated at times. IF you could point me in the right direction, I’d really appreciate it.

I love your red outfit. Red is my favorite color. I love that you and the elves make things by hand; I LOVE to make my gifts too. When I get my things from storage, I can do that again too…hint, hint.

Thanks Santa…and IF you need any help with this, I KNOW that “the BIG guy” is always available.

UNfulfilled dream...

When I was almost nine years old, we moved from Hawaii back to the states. I saw a horse for the first time and I really wanted one. THEN I saw a CLYDESDALE!!! AND my heart skipped a beat. They were absolutely the MOST beautiful, incredible animals I had ever seen in my life!

My parents weren't the kind to buy their child a "pony," so a horse, of any kind, was completely out of the question. "What would you do with one?" they would ask. "I would ride it...or hitch it to my wagon" I would reply. "That's silly...you are out of your mind. You don't even have a wagon, and won't want to take care of one." Oh, BUT I really wanted one. We had friends who had horses when we lived in Sandia Crest, outside of Albuquerque. I was allowed to ride them once in a while, as well as clean the stalls. My mother felt that if I HAD to clean the stalls, I wouldn't want one so badly...but it didn't phase my 10 year old heart. I wanted one. I was even able to ride one of horses at the local (10 miles away) "riding" ranch.
Time passed and we moved to San Diego. I didn't get to ride a horse again until I was in high school. I had a friend who had a horse. She boarded it close to the high school and we would ride every now and again. I loved it.
Then I got married, and before settling in Vegas, we lived in Texas for a year...no horse. As the years came and went, opportunities to ride were few and far between; then we bought some property, and I thought...NOW I will get a horse!!!! I was excited...even though my spouse was NOT excited and didn't really want anything to do with a horse.
Everywhere I've lived, when the "Clydesdale's" visited, I went to see them.

Sometimes I took the kids, other times I went alone. BUT I LOVED them. I wanted one. AND when I moved to St. Jo, Missouri, I took a trip to St. Louis with Jessica and Bobby. I made a point to see the Clydesdale's. We went to the brewery and we were able to see them, BUT while we were there, the guide told us about Grant's Farm...a little bit south of St. Louis. He told us that was where they bred the Clydesdale's. OH MY GOSH, I was SO excited...and off we went. AND there they were in ALL of their glory!!!! There were several foals. I was in heaven. I watched them run and play in the fields. The strong desire still hadn't left me. I was a child again and I wanted one.
Bobby went to St. Louis this weekend, to watch three baseball games...he called me Friday and said, "If you are here by 3PM, you can pet a Clydesdale!" It was almost 1PM here in Vegas...wouldn't be able to make it. Thanks anyway Bobby!
I don't know that I will ever have a horse in this life, let alone a Clydesdale. BUT I know I have a "bucket list" of animals...and someday there is a possibility of having them.

That Duck show...Duck Dynasty

http://offerpop.com/FacebookContestEntry.psp?c=365687&u=1182102&a=448952861833126&p=185996294843078&rest=0&id=1519569&rest2=0

Okay...here's my deal of the day. Bobby, my youngest, has entered himself in a contest. The link is above. He LOVES, and I mean LOVES that Duck Dynasty show. I have not taken the time to watch it yet, but I'm sure it's an incredible show; ALL of his siblings and their spouses or significant others, friends, students, talk about it and love it. So, they are having a contest. IF you win, somehow you get to do something that has to do with these guys. I have not seen him so excited about something in a LONG time. Mind you, Bobby gets pretty excited about things: new phones coming out, new gadgets coming out, weird TV shows, weird clothes...
Clothes, that is and is certainly NOT limited to: toe shoes (NOT the ballet variety), parachute pants, soap shoes (for skateboarding), scented clothing. This was clothing that actually came scented; he had a pair of peppermint cargo type pants back in the late 90's.
 He has worked in sales for years, and is QUITE good at it. Unlike me, who couldn't sell parka's to Eskimos, he is incredible. Whenever there was a contest in one company he worked for, he would win and took several trips on the company tab. He was awarded a regional sales rep for his accomplishments. IF there is a contest or competition, you can bet he will be a part of it.
He also won a beard contest a couple of years ago in downtown Vegas.
So, this contest does not in any way surprise me! I'm excited for him to do this, and have posted this every where I can. Hence, the blog...
In doing this, I feel I have become a "pimp" of sorts. NOT that I know much about that, but from what I've heard, that's the scoop.

So, this is my Bobby...the Duck Dynasty wannabe. He has the cup...thanks to his mother's hoarding abilities and his sister's desire to have family memorabilia. I also found him a patriotic bandana. He has to have those incredible looks for a reason, not to mention that personality!
Bobby...this blogs for you!!! I hope your desire to win this comes flying through! Have fun!!! I LOVE YOU!

Mother's Day 12 May 2013

WOW!!! My brain and heart replayed that word over and over today.

The day started as a pretty normal Sunday for me. I did wake up a lot earlier than my alarm setting, but just relaxed in bed, pondering past Mother's Days, life, children, husbands or the lack thereof, mothers; mine as well as others. I thought about the gift of motherhood and how some females take procreation for granted, some cast it aside, some misuse it, some don't want it...and then there are those who cherish it for the gift it is. You have created a precious life. You have created another human. You are, as it were, a God; for with God, and your spouse, you have created a body for a heavenly spirit. How incredible is that?

I was blessed to create four of these precious beings; then for some reason, which only God knows, I was blessed to raise them on my own. I pondered this and what that was like.

While I was pregnant, I took great care as to protect each baby growing inside of me. I ate well, rested, exercised and did everything I thought was right in order to have a perfect child. As far as I was concerned, I did. They all were perfect in my eyes. All were very healthy weights and length. All grew to above average heights and are wonderful. I pondered this.

Sometimes it seems holidays and celebrations are perfunctory...NOT that they are meaningless or anything like that, but everyone is SO busy with work, hobbies, life, etc. that we just seem, sometimes to want to get past them to the next event and be done. It seems that way sometimes, but isn't necessarily so. I pondered past functions, events, celebrations; past events, as in my crazy childhood. I got to where I didn't expect birthday parties as we moved every year and it was usually at the end of the school year, right around my birthday...no party. I pondered this...but not for long...I realized in my pondering that 6:45 AM was now 7:45 AM and I needed to get ready for Church. I did ponder going or not, but as usual I chose to go. I really don't think I've missed but five times in the last 35 years. Anyway, I got ready for Church, got my Primary Lesson book/bag, with the things I needed and at 8:35 left for Church. It's not far really, not even a mile and a half. I listened to Music and the Spoken Word on the way. They were doing a Mother's Day special and a favorite song was playing when I drove in to the parking lot. It's called Turn Around.

Anyway, as I sat there, my phone sounded an alert that I had a text message...it was Bobby!!! Bobby?!?! What the heck was he doing up at 8:35 in the morning????? Especially on a Sunday?!?!?! He was wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day!!! I Love You!!!" As I was sending him back a, "Thanks Spud! I love you too!!!" Jenny sent a text, "Good Morning! Happy Happy Mother's Day!" WHAT the heck was she doing up??? But I sent a "Thank you!!! I love you!" to her too. My song was over so I went in to the Church. Stopped in the library to get a tub of crayons, chalk and eraser, and some paper...then headed to the Chapel. I knew that the couple I usually sit with wouldn't be there, but "E.B" would be...as I grabbed a program and walked down the aisle, I saw her and headed to where she was. Two rows from her, I hear a voice say, "Hey, want to sit with us?" I turned and saw Bobby...then Jenny...then Mike...and Katie...and I let out a somewhat muffled sob and began to cry...Bobby came over and put his arms around me and I

sobbed...they were sobs of sadness...far from it. He held me and the sobs of happiness, delight, love, elation, etc. just kept going. I just couldn't believe it. It was such a surprise! I had NO idea. Years ago, Jenny said, "Mom, if you want me to come and sit with you on Mother's Day at Church, just ask." BUT I never did...even though I would have LOVED for them to be there. AND here they were; I just couldn't believe they ALL got up and came to Church...AND were sitting with me. Then Mike hugged me and told me, "If you hadn't of shown up, we were going to take a picture, send it to you and tell you we were here, and then go out to breakfast." I laughed. THIS was incredible. This was priceless. NO gift will ever have the value of this show 

of love. They gave their time for me!!! FOR you see, they had no idea of my feelings these past few months. As a mothers we sacrifice our time, talents, knowledge, sleep, life, etc. for our children...at least I do. When they call and need something, I do whatever it takes to do it...despite what plans I may have had. If they want something fixed, I do what I can. Lately, I have felt, unnecessarily, unloved. I KNOW they love me. I know they would do anything for me. BUT show up for Church was NOT something I ever expected, would ask, or thought would happen...and here they were. I wanted to sit by each one of them, even though it wasn't possible. Jessica and Jason also came with Lucas and Jenna. ALL of them were there. It was THE best

Mother's Day gift!!! I appreciated it more than they will ever know. I LOVE them all, more than they realize.

Later, they cooked a wonderful dinner and we played Dominoes. I have THE BEST CHILDREN! I am SO blessed. I am thankful they chose me to be their mother. They have each, in their own way, made me the person I am today. They have pushed me to limits I would never have reached on my own. They are ALL incredible.  Beyond words!

                

Several years ago I wrote about my GREATEST treasures...WELL, it's about time I add my new treasures. Lucas, who will be two next week.

 He is so incredibly fun! I love watching him learn new things and explore life. Seeing things through a child's eyes is so rewarding.

 Trying to get them to "smile for the camera"...or even look at it is a trick only Jenny seems to be able to do!

I love having them and playing! Jenna is almost 8 and a half months. She is close to walking now. They grow so fast.
My own treasures are now ALL in their 30's! Where does the time go?!

Part Three of the Lessons From Pains

I struggle here to talk of emotional or mental. I guess since I dealt with a lot of emotional baggage and such recently, I'll go with that. Although the two feed off of each other, it's quite possible they will both be in here. Both have been a big part of my life. Both bringing me to where I am, what I am, and where I'm going.
I never thought much about being adopted. I've known about it my whole life; at least as long as I can remember. I was one of those adopted babies who came to a couple who "just weren't having any luck having their own" and then became pregnant shortly after I arrived. That baby was a boy, and is 16 months younger. Later in life, a light came on in regards to this and my emotions. I have had emotional breakdowns over the years. Some of them I never thought I would get through. Others I was sure I wouldn't...and attempted several times to make sure.
As we grow up, life evolves and life happens. I spent a LOT of time trying to figure out WHY I was the way I was. I am a sentimental weeper first off. When my brother would get in trouble, or cousins, I would be the one crying, not them! Commercials make me cry, photos can bring tears. Songs can stir up memories and bring a flood of tears. Movies, TV shows, family time. Gee...when the whole family is in Church together I cry. Sometimes it's a GOOD cry, and sometimes it's not so good. I cry when I'm sad, when I'm laugh, when my heart aches, when the flag goes by in a parade...during the singing/playing of patriotic songs...taking my children to Disneyland for the first time brought tears. WHICH brings me to the weekend of April 27th. Yes, this was a recent emotional breakdown and breakthrough. AND yes, I've skipped literally years of emotional baggage and trash. BUT this has to do with some of it.
I picked up Lucas, my grandson, after work on Friday the 26th. I had only planned on having him until Saturday afternoon, but that changed. Saturday morning we got up and after running an errand, we headed out to Lake Mead for National Jr. Ranger Day. I haven't been to the Lake in years...not since 1996 I'm sure. I really didn't think it would affect me...BUT I was wrong...
Flash back about 35 years. Bruce, my ex, had just gotten a job with the Las Vegas Fire Dept. Most all of the firemen had boats, and spent a lot of time at the lake. It wasn't long before we started accumulating "toys" for the excursions to the lake...a boat, travel trailer; both filled with all of the "necessary" equipment for staying at the lake for a week. An inflatable "island", tubes, rafts, water ski's, life vests or all sizes, camping gear of ALL sorts, etc. etc. etc...I don't think there can be enough ETC's. Anyway, we spent more time there than I can count. A week here, a week there. NO phones. No TV's. Just incredible fun. Food on the fire. The memories came flooding back as I drove to where the National Jr. Ranger Day Events were taking place. As we got out of the car, the first thing Lucas saw was the BIG National Park Pumper. "Gwama...firetruck!" Yes Lucas...and it began.

From the firetruck to the ambulance, then off to the coast guard boat where they let him spray the fire hose all over.

 He did NOT want to get off of the firetruck...geeee...wonder where he gets that from?!

They wouldn't let us hold the snake, BUT we did get to pet it...nicely. =)

 Nice tortoise...

 AND Wilma the Chuckawalla felt nice.

AND after seeing all of the things at the National Junior Ranger Event, we went down to the lake.

 His first time at the lake; he was not afraid, not intimidated. He ran...

...and continued...

 ...to go further...

...and splashed for about twenty minutes...until "gwama's" emotions pulled at her heart and...

...said it was time to go. He was NOT happy. The walk back to the car was tearful...me with my memories and Lucas with wanting to make more memories.
This one event helped me over a hurdle I had not wanted to jump over. But it helped me to close a few chapters and start a new one.
On to another hurdle.
After going back to the house and changing in to our Mickey Mouse shirts, we were off to the Thomas & Mack at UNLV to see Disney on Ice.

 We had incredible seats, arrived half an hour early, talked about what was going on and waited. AND then...

 ...Mickey and Minnie skated out and  he was mesmerized...and I wept...just like I did the first time I went to Disneyland with Mike when he was about two. With each new group of Disney Characters, he was more and more fixated with the show. He "danced" and clapped and loved every minute of it.

 At the end, ALL of the Princesses skated out with their Prince's. I thought of my life. I thought of how I LOVED fairy tales and their "happily ever after" endings...and where was mine? I thought of my life. I thought of my children. I thought of their father. AND I was GLAD the lights were dim and I was only with Lucas. I was also glad that my life is in the middle and there is a LOT more to come before the ending.

We had to stop and get some things at the store...but Lucas was so tired he didn't even wake up. Poor little guy just slept in the cart. Oblivious to the hurdles of emotions he helped his "gwama" overcome this day. He is an incredible little spirit.
I am blessed to have four incredible (adult) children who over the years have helped me over countless emotional hurdles. The first Christmas after their dad left, I cared nothing for traditions...yet wonderful neighbors brought a tree over, and the kids hung snowflakes from the ceiling in the living room...simple, yet just what I needed. The "traditional" ornaments we'd always used might have put me right over the edge.
All traditions became hard...difficult to get through. Just daily life was difficult to get through. I hated life. I hated my life. SO many times I wanted off the ride...but kept going. THEY kept me going. I don't know what they remember. I don't know what they know. There are times I wish I knew what they remembered; wish I knew what they knew...or think they know. I hear them discuss their friends and broken marriages, and at times I am shocked by what they say...knowing what I know. But I have to keep going. I have to. I look back and see what I've been through and know that it has prepared me to go through things in the future. I know that each step moves me on. Yes, it's difficult to move forward at times. Some days my heart is so tender that my eyes well up with tears, and I tell myself...it's okay...you've come so far. Keep going. You have much to live for. You have beautiful, wonderful children...you have grandchildren...and more waiting to come down. Stay and love them. They will need you. They will see your strength and love. You will help them when they are weak. They will help you.