Some days things seem so easy; life seems to be in place and everything is going well. I said some days, not every day. I have moments. Moments when everything is awesome, and the rest...well, it isn't awesome, it's just and "enduring" time. I just try to get through it. That's how most of my days go. Take it one minute at a time. Don't overload. Enjoy those precious moments in time when ALL of the awesomeness comes together. Today, for the last two hours has been a "what can I do to get through this?" kind of morning. Nothing is wrong. Nothing has happened to me. I'm fine. BUT my blood is racing through my body, I've been on the verge of a total breakdown and I can't seem to get rid of this weepy feeling. Like I said. Nothing is wrong. Nothing has happened. I'm fine. The status quo hasn't changed.
Maybe it's the anticipation. There are things happening which I have no control over and I see things. Yes, sometimes dead people, but that's a different thing. Tomorrow is Father's day. Yes, I miss my dad. He loved me. Called me "sis" and "Miss Priss." Even though he wasn't a huge part of my life growing up, he loved me. I remember the first Father's Day gift I ever made him. AND oddly enough, I think it's in storage. I made it in the 3rd grade. It was a fish. I sewed it by hand, at school no less. I recall the print of the fabric and everything. The buttons for the eyes, etc. Do I remember the other Father's Days...nope. Not a one. I don't think he was a part of our lives during the next dozen Father's Days. I'm sure I did things for him. I made him these Lemon Cakes he loved. I cooked for him. Sat and watched countless "shoot 'em ups" with him. He taught me to root for the "guys with the white hats....those are the good guys." I miss him.
The nonexistent 40th wedding anniversary will be in two weeks. It would be nice to one day have some closure to this. Yes, I let it go. BUT the why's are still with me. It's hard sometimes when you don't know why. OR what. I loved being married. Loved having my little family...which has now grown by two wonderful in-laws and soon another one of those...and two grandchildren. AND there will be more. I miss taking them all on trips and outings. BUT I LOVE getting together with them. I am SO THANKFUL to be in the same city with ALL of them. There are some families who have children scattered ALL over the world. Mine are all within 10 miles. It's more of a blessing than I can sometimes handle. There are things I wish were different.....
When I came home last night with Lucas and Jenna, the guy across the street was mowing my yard again. Lucas asked, "Grandmomma! WHY is he taking all the grass??? What is he doing?" I explained that he was doing an incredible kindness. One in which he has done three other times in the last month or so. A kindness I don't know how to repay. He said he is going to Seattle for three months...to get away from the heat. I sang the Kindness song to L and J and explained to them how being kind and doing things for others can be the BEST thing in the world. That people who are kind to others are the best people. I hope they understand. What a blessing.
Time to do something. Time to have breakfast...whooops...lunch...better turn on my phone and see if someone is trying to reach me.