I woke up this morning sometime around 5; before my alarm went off this
morning at 5:15, snuggled with Archimedes, who is a lover more than any cat
I’ve ever had. While I lay there comfy and warm, I pondered time; something I
ponder about a lot. It seems that we waste it; ever have enough of…never
enough. I pondered where I am in my life and then I pondered the past, almost
60 years. I thought about how life changes, how my life has changed; not always
because of the way I changed it, but by the way others may have changed it. I
thought of instances where I thought I would “never make it out alive,” yet
here I am. I thought about how I’ve grown as a person and the things which
forced that growth. At times they weren’t the most pleasant things. I was able
to reflect on situations I’ve passed through and felt that euphoria of a home
run, touchdown or hole-in-one. And so…I reflected…
Sixty years ago at this time an incredible woman was forced
to make a decision which affected my life, and the lives of a couple who had
been married…not quite 10 years. The decision also affected others as well, but
some didn’t know it until recently. I say “incredible” woman, because at the
time, this decision would have been difficult…any decision would have been in
her situation. She was unmarried with two small boys, and pregnant. Five months
before I was born she married a man, who knew her secret. We’ve wondered, since
he knew the situation; a situation which was filled with secrets, fright, and I’m
sure frustration and confusion, IF he didn’t use some sort of blackmail…but no
one knows as she has been gone for five years now. She was afraid to tell her
family and friends. She must have felt so alone. So, she signed the papers three
days after I was born and gave me to a couple who had no children. Now I’ve
carried and given birth to four children. I love them with all of my heart.
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them. The love you would have to have,
to want more for your child than the life they would have had, had they stayed,
must be great. To be so unselfish and to sacrifice your feelings for that of
your child, to know they were in a better place.
Fifty years ago at this time, we had moved again. This would
have been my 7th move; having gone from California to four places in
Hawaii, then to two homes in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I had a step-father now,
was extremely shy and introverted. My step-father was not a fan of my shyness,
or of me. I showed signs of musical awareness, and a piano was purchased, as
were books. I proceeded to teach myself how to play, playing progressively
harder pieces as I could. I also started sewing; to power to create something,
and wear it took over. I had been “designing” clothing for my paper dolls and
Barbie’s for about two years. I didn’t “play” with them, I merely designed
their wardrobes. I LOVED it…couldn’t get enough of it. And so, an obsession
began. When I grew up I wanted to be a teacher, an actress, a singer and
dancer, a race car driver, a designer, and a mother with two boys and two
girls.
Forty years ago I had moved 6 more times; from New Mexico,
to San Diego to Torrance, then to Grand Junction, Colorado, to Albuquerque and
then to Malibou Lake…near Agoura, California. I attended 14 schools before
graduating in 1973. After several, how shall we say, turns of events, my dad
was back with us again. That in itself was a long story for another time. I
loved driving to the beach, or the “Valley.” I was a loner…another LONG story
for another time. I was almost 20. Did I
mention I wanted to go to the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in
LA??? Hmmmm….that was vetoed as well. “Girls didn’t go to college…they get
married…double hmmmm…….
My wedding was being planned, and for the most part, not by
me. It was to take place 5 July 1075. THIS is what I was really reflecting on
the most this morning. Bruce was in San Antonio, Texas for boot camp, and then
went off to Chanute, Illinois for fire training. He was going to be home at the
end of June for a week, and then we were to go wherever the Air Force deemed we
should.
So…the wedding plans. Our wedding colors were Red, White, and
Blue, being as the wedding was the day after the Fourth of July. We had taken
photos before Bruce left, so the 350 invitations just needed to be ordered and
addressed…yes, I did them all. I designed an incredible dress, which was vetoed
by the powers that be. It was incredible though. I’m sure I still have the
drawings somewhere. Flowers were picked out and a cake. The whole wedding was
surrounded by bitterness, resentment and disaster, and the fact that Bruce came
back “different” than when he left, just didn’t sit well with me. I told my mom
that I “didn’t think I was doing the right thing.” That was vetoed as well.
We were married on the 5th and were two of the
last five people to leave the Clubhouse...it needed to be cleaned up that
night. SO, there I was in my wedding dress, taking down decorations, etc…and it
just got worse from there. OHHHH….I forgot to mention that I threw up just
before we got married…another story for another time. We went to some dumb
motel in Thousand Oaks…so tired and went to bed. It was 2 AM when we got there.
I looked frightful…my hair was trashed…we’d been cleaning for about 2 hours.
The next few days we were packing things up to move. There was still animosity
and bitterness, which wasn’t making our lives too easy. BUT we were ready to
leave on the 7th so that we would be in Wichita Falls,
Texas…Sheppard Air Force Base so Bruce could report on the 9th. It was one of
the worst trips I’d ever been on. Driving from LA to Wichita Falls in less than
two days…straight through…sleeping in the cab of his 1954 Ford F-150. That
WHOLE trip is a story in itself…and definitely for another time. We were only
here for one year, then we were off to Nellis Air Force Base. Did I mention I
wanted to go to the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in LA???
Hmmmm….that was vetoed as well. “Girls didn’t go to college…they get
married…double hmmmm…….
Thirty years ago…probably “THE DARKEST” time of my life…and
it continued to get darker and darker. I had four incredible children…don’t
know what I would do without them. I didn’t reflect much on this…hate going
there. It was half my life ago…wow. Did I mention I wanted to go to the Fashion
Institute of Design and Merchandising in LA??? Hmmmm….that was vetoed as well.
“Girls didn’t go to college…they get married…double hmmmm…….
Twenty years ago. What a hot mess. My children were 13, 15,
16 and 18. Did I mention I wanted to go to the Fashion Institute of Design and
Merchandising in LA? Well, it didn’t matter. I designed so many costumes and
clothes for the kids that my dream was sort of filled…sort of. I found that
there IS light after darkness…there is that light, if you seek it. I found
myself. I found what I had never known was there. I found ME. I found out who I
was and what was important. I came out of the unknown and bloomed. I emerged
from the darkness because I searched for a light and found it. After
questioning everything and I mean everything, I spent time trying to figure
things out. I haven’t figured it all out, BUT I know what I know.
Fifteen years ago I decided to do something about my life.
My children were on their own and I needed to fill a void. I decided to go to
college. Yes sir…I was forty-five, in classes with fellow students who
graduated with my children, taking any and every night and summer class available.
I was also working a full-time job in a school district, a part-time job at
Michaels, and five semi part-time jobs with various caterers. My life was busy
and after the first semester, I realized how much I LOVED learning and excelled.
I loved my classes. Maybe one day I will finish those six classes and receive
my degrees…
Ten years ago was probably my BEST birthday to date. That in
itself is a fun story…for another time. BUT at 50 I decided changes were in
order. I’d made some decisions ten years before, and while there were some good
things which came of them, there were some which weren’t. I needed to regroup.
I took a road trip with my cousin Debbie. We drove from her home in Utah to my
home in Missouri…then we took a trip to Illinois. We laughed, cried, talked
about life and memories. The time we spent together was priceless. It was the
best therapy for both of us. We saw things and places we both treasure, AND
then we crafted.
A year ago Debbie and I went to Disneyland with the
Burkholder Band. It was a lot of fun we did some crazy things and reminisced
about when we went to Disneyland for our birthdays in 1960. She and I share the
same birthday. I was deathly ill at the time and had no clue. I just knew I didn’t
feel well. I progressively got worse, and it wasn’t until the summer that I
found out just how sick I really was. I am so thankful to those who helped me
through that whole mess.
And so we are to the somewhat recent present period of my
life. I will be 60 in a little over a month. This is NOT where I thought I
would be at this time in my life. I thought I would still be happily married
with oodles of grandchildren, a nice home with many gardens, enjoying life;
crafting, sewing, quilting, painting, traveling, etc. Alas, that isn’t the
case. I ponder my present status frequently. Don’t get me wrong. I am SO
blessed. I am near ALL of my children and the “friends” they have brought in to
our family. I have two adorable, smart, incredible grandchildren. I LOVE my
family. I have two jobs and enjoy my coworkers and what I do…but this isn’t
where I thought I would be. I’m not upset that this is where I am, I just
thought things would be different.
I have no idea what the future holds. I do know that in
three days I’ll be in Disneyland; I’ve planned things out and even though I
will be flying solo, other than the bus load of kids and other chaperones, I
know that I will be fine. I’m looking forward to it, more pondering. And by
this time next week it will be part of my memories.
That’s the way it is with time…it passes whether we are
ready or not. We can’t stop time or hold it still. Over time I’ve come to
realize that everything happens for a reason. No, I don’t know what they are,
BUT I do know that were it not for all of the things which happened in my life,
I wouldn’t be who I am today. All of these things, and those I haven’t even
touched on, but thought about, had to happen. I’m thankful. All of it has
blessed me in some way. Make the most of the time you have. Time is the most
valuable commodity we receive every day. Treasure it.
I’m also glad I set my alarm far enough ahead that I am able
to lie in bed and ponder life.
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