Part Three of the Lessons From Pains

I struggle here to talk of emotional or mental. I guess since I dealt with a lot of emotional baggage and such recently, I'll go with that. Although the two feed off of each other, it's quite possible they will both be in here. Both have been a big part of my life. Both bringing me to where I am, what I am, and where I'm going.
I never thought much about being adopted. I've known about it my whole life; at least as long as I can remember. I was one of those adopted babies who came to a couple who "just weren't having any luck having their own" and then became pregnant shortly after I arrived. That baby was a boy, and is 16 months younger. Later in life, a light came on in regards to this and my emotions. I have had emotional breakdowns over the years. Some of them I never thought I would get through. Others I was sure I wouldn't...and attempted several times to make sure.
As we grow up, life evolves and life happens. I spent a LOT of time trying to figure out WHY I was the way I was. I am a sentimental weeper first off. When my brother would get in trouble, or cousins, I would be the one crying, not them! Commercials make me cry, photos can bring tears. Songs can stir up memories and bring a flood of tears. Movies, TV shows, family time. Gee...when the whole family is in Church together I cry. Sometimes it's a GOOD cry, and sometimes it's not so good. I cry when I'm sad, when I'm laugh, when my heart aches, when the flag goes by in a parade...during the singing/playing of patriotic songs...taking my children to Disneyland for the first time brought tears. WHICH brings me to the weekend of April 27th. Yes, this was a recent emotional breakdown and breakthrough. AND yes, I've skipped literally years of emotional baggage and trash. BUT this has to do with some of it.
I picked up Lucas, my grandson, after work on Friday the 26th. I had only planned on having him until Saturday afternoon, but that changed. Saturday morning we got up and after running an errand, we headed out to Lake Mead for National Jr. Ranger Day. I haven't been to the Lake in years...not since 1996 I'm sure. I really didn't think it would affect me...BUT I was wrong...
Flash back about 35 years. Bruce, my ex, had just gotten a job with the Las Vegas Fire Dept. Most all of the firemen had boats, and spent a lot of time at the lake. It wasn't long before we started accumulating "toys" for the excursions to the lake...a boat, travel trailer; both filled with all of the "necessary" equipment for staying at the lake for a week. An inflatable "island", tubes, rafts, water ski's, life vests or all sizes, camping gear of ALL sorts, etc. etc. etc...I don't think there can be enough ETC's. Anyway, we spent more time there than I can count. A week here, a week there. NO phones. No TV's. Just incredible fun. Food on the fire. The memories came flooding back as I drove to where the National Jr. Ranger Day Events were taking place. As we got out of the car, the first thing Lucas saw was the BIG National Park Pumper. "Gwama...firetruck!" Yes Lucas...and it began.

From the firetruck to the ambulance, then off to the coast guard boat where they let him spray the fire hose all over.

 He did NOT want to get off of the firetruck...geeee...wonder where he gets that from?!

They wouldn't let us hold the snake, BUT we did get to pet it...nicely. =)

 Nice tortoise...

 AND Wilma the Chuckawalla felt nice.

AND after seeing all of the things at the National Junior Ranger Event, we went down to the lake.

 His first time at the lake; he was not afraid, not intimidated. He ran...

...and continued...

 ...to go further...

...and splashed for about twenty minutes...until "gwama's" emotions pulled at her heart and...

...said it was time to go. He was NOT happy. The walk back to the car was tearful...me with my memories and Lucas with wanting to make more memories.
This one event helped me over a hurdle I had not wanted to jump over. But it helped me to close a few chapters and start a new one.
On to another hurdle.
After going back to the house and changing in to our Mickey Mouse shirts, we were off to the Thomas & Mack at UNLV to see Disney on Ice.

 We had incredible seats, arrived half an hour early, talked about what was going on and waited. AND then...

 ...Mickey and Minnie skated out and  he was mesmerized...and I wept...just like I did the first time I went to Disneyland with Mike when he was about two. With each new group of Disney Characters, he was more and more fixated with the show. He "danced" and clapped and loved every minute of it.

 At the end, ALL of the Princesses skated out with their Prince's. I thought of my life. I thought of how I LOVED fairy tales and their "happily ever after" endings...and where was mine? I thought of my life. I thought of my children. I thought of their father. AND I was GLAD the lights were dim and I was only with Lucas. I was also glad that my life is in the middle and there is a LOT more to come before the ending.

We had to stop and get some things at the store...but Lucas was so tired he didn't even wake up. Poor little guy just slept in the cart. Oblivious to the hurdles of emotions he helped his "gwama" overcome this day. He is an incredible little spirit.
I am blessed to have four incredible (adult) children who over the years have helped me over countless emotional hurdles. The first Christmas after their dad left, I cared nothing for traditions...yet wonderful neighbors brought a tree over, and the kids hung snowflakes from the ceiling in the living room...simple, yet just what I needed. The "traditional" ornaments we'd always used might have put me right over the edge.
All traditions became hard...difficult to get through. Just daily life was difficult to get through. I hated life. I hated my life. SO many times I wanted off the ride...but kept going. THEY kept me going. I don't know what they remember. I don't know what they know. There are times I wish I knew what they remembered; wish I knew what they knew...or think they know. I hear them discuss their friends and broken marriages, and at times I am shocked by what they say...knowing what I know. But I have to keep going. I have to. I look back and see what I've been through and know that it has prepared me to go through things in the future. I know that each step moves me on. Yes, it's difficult to move forward at times. Some days my heart is so tender that my eyes well up with tears, and I tell myself...it's okay...you've come so far. Keep going. You have much to live for. You have beautiful, wonderful children...you have grandchildren...and more waiting to come down. Stay and love them. They will need you. They will see your strength and love. You will help them when they are weak. They will help you.