Just some thoughts rambling around today--4 October 2015

At 60, I have MUCH to be thankful for. I have enjoyed many blessings and happiness. I've had the opportunity to learn much. I've also been taught that there is opposition in all things. 

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility." (2 Nephi 2:11) 

So, with the blessings and happiness, there were many other things I've been through in opposition to the good; all of the places I've lived, the moves our family made, dysfunctional family issues, and trials and challenges. I've also been taught to give thanks for everything. 

"Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;" (Ephesians 5:20.) 

I am not oblivious to the things of the world; the happenings, news, rumors, or anything else. I see and hear the same news items the rest of the world sees. It is troubling at times and I try to avoid it. Social media makes it difficult at times. While much of it is in other parts of the world, and seems so distant not only physically, but in other ways as well, the emotional part is not far from me. Emotions are something which have played a big part in my life. At times I am the proverbial "emotional basket-case."

As a small child I attended Church. I felt love there. I felt a "light" there which loved. It warmed me and made me feel like I was "at home." I embraced it. In my "darkness" I held to it.

The scriptures have also been a part of my life. I'd look things up when I was at Church; and was pretty adept in Seminary scripture chases. It was only during the greatest trial of my life that they became a defining part of my life; they became part of the rock I used to get from the dark parts to the light.

Half my life ago, I thought everything in my life was turning out well. I was married to someone who I admired and had learned many things from. He was a great provider for our family. People would comment on what a "cute" family we were. We had four children; two boys and two girls. I LOVED my family. I wanted to be with them all the time. We went everywhere together. Yes, we had the ups and downs most families have, but I "thought" life was going well. Very well.

AND then my little Camelot fell apart...I in turn fell apart. The depression I'd been living with all of my life surfaced in a way I never thought or dreamed it would. At four, things began to happen in my life which turned it into a dark, murky world for me. My family life changed as often as switching the lights off and on. Because we moved every year, and I went to different schools every year, I quit making friends. I knew who every one was, and would converse, but I didn't really have friends I would hang out with. I didn't hang out. I was in my own crazy world, doing my own thing. As a child, alone in my room, I pulled my hair out and would bang my head against the wall. As a teenager, alone in my room, I would cut myself, pull my hair out, bang my head against the wall, and contemplate whether life was really worth going on. I was alone most of the time. Instead of doing what some do, I turned to the many talents I'd been blessed with; I enveloped myself in sewing, crafting, gardening, my journal writing, piano, art etc...and so here I was at 30...my family was falling apart and I was grasping at straws. I hung on for five years thinking things were going to work out. I waited. I was frustrated and desperate to make things work. Then I would find myself alone in my room; I cried, pulled my hair out, banged my head against the wall, and thought more and more that I really wanted this ride to be over...and how could I do that? How could I be thankful for this? What could I do to bring and end to this depression? This frustration? What would happen to my children? And so began the trial of my faith.

My spouse didn't want to go to counseling, but I went. Somewhere deep down I knew I needed it. I've went to two great counselors over the years, and learned much. I grasped everything I could. I began to build. I knew I had to start somewhere, so I started with what I knew. The basics. I knew I was a child of God. I was of royal birth. The "direction of my birth was through Heavenly Father." I knew I came here for a reason. I knew I had a purpose. I began to seek the answers. 

Each morning my children and I gathered at 5:30 in the morning. My oldest would get up at 5 and get ready for school, then he would get his siblings up and we would read our scriptures and pray. I would take him to high school and the others would begin to get ready for school. I also read the scriptures on my own. The first scriptures I clung to were:

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

With my children at 8, 10, 12, and 14, that's all I could bring myself to do each day. I had no clue what was going on, what would happen or what needed to happen. Some days I felt like I was a zombie--walking around in a daze. I lived from minute to minute, working up to hour by hour. Eventually it was day by day. When there were set-backs, which seemed at the time so frequent, I had to start all over. There were times when the darkness was so great, I wondered if there would ever be light again. Raising children by myself wasn't what I thought I had signed up to do. It was hard. At times I couldn't stand it. I wanted to have fun with my children, but was SO stressed about discipline. I was getting hit on all sides. If they weren't model children at Church, I heard about it. If they weren't perfect at school, I heard about it. Their father was constantly reminding me of what he expected. And my in-laws had their expectations and threats. I'm sure everyone meant well, but it was overwhelming more often than not. I also had high expectations for me and for them, and expected the behavior that went with it. BUT I wanted to be their mom and do fun things...yet I was the constant disciplinarian...always making sure they did the right things. AND I was in my world of wanting out of it. The discouragement I found in myself ran high most days. What did I know that I could cling to? What or who would help me and save me from this? Trust. I had to trust that God knew more than I did and He knew what was going on. I had no understanding of all of this, just trust that He did. 

The next group of scriptures I clung to seem to answer EVERY question I've ever had. I still cling to these verses. When I see things happening I can't explain. When there are disasters, turmoil, and heartache in the world, I look to the message of these verses. They are from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. Everyone interprets the scriptures through their own experiences and where they are in their lives. You may see something here that may mean the same thing to you, yet others may see something different. 

1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

Everything has a season. Sometimes that season is short, sometimes it's long. Everything has a purpose. I knew I was here at this time for a specific reason. I was a part of something greater than just me and my life.

2. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

My mother will be 97 in January 2016. Now and then she asks why she has lived this long? I try to explain that it isn't her time. I was born at a specific time and given to a couple for a specific reason. I believe everyone has a time to be born and a time to die. I believe God knows when those times are. It's part of His purposes and part of His great plan.

 

3. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 After EVERY disaster, every mass shooting, war, etc. we pull together and we heal. We build up. I so vividly remember September 11th, 2001. My gosh! It was probably the most horrifying thing I've ever watched...and as a country, as a world, we pulled together, we tried to help each other heal, we built back up.

As my marriage and family fell apart, eventually, over time, we healed. We built ourselves up.

4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Yes, there are times to cry and laugh and mourn and dance. We have to have those emotions. If  we don't have sad times, we can't appreciate the good times. In mourning, we reminisce and learn from those who have gone on, or times which have passed. Then we are able to dance and celebrate those special people or those hard times which we've passed through.

5. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

As my family was being scattered it was difficult, but I believe we have gathered together in a way which has made us close. I moved away for 12 difficult years. Jenny moved away for several years. Mike was in the Army for four years. Jessica was away at college for awhile and Bobby moved away. We were scattered all over the place. Now we all live within 15 miles of each other. We are close, not only physically, but spiritually. We embrace and accept each other in so many ways. We have grown because of circumstances, experiences, trials and challenges.

6. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

There was a time in our early years of marriage when there was a saying around our home; "He who dies with the most toys wins." My gosh! We had everything. The kids' friends LOVED coming to our house. We had cars (over 20 at one time), motorcycles, three-wheelers, a boat, travel trailer, etc. We went camping a lot and just seemed to have it all. And then it was gone. At 60, I realize what is important to keep and what I will be casting away when I find a home. Simplify. Cast away.

7. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

As a seamstress, I know the adage well, "As ye sew, so shall ye rip." HAHA! Yes, there is a time when you make headway, and a time when you don't. I've been at a plateau for several years. It's not only frustrating, but wearing on my faith. I have to hold to my faith and know that it's going to work out and all will be well. 

I used the next part of this verse a lot in my primary classes. I explained that there were times they could speak, and times when they would listen. It's true in life as well. There are times when we need to just sit and listen. Whether it's the troubles of others, the sounds of nature, the sounds of our children, the sounds of life...and then there is a time when we should speak. Maybe we need to speak up for ourselves. Maybe we need to speak for others because they can't or are unable. At times we have a responsibility to speak up.

8. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

This one is difficult. In my marriage there was love. The separation and divorce brought pain, anger, war, and then forgiveness. I don't hold any hard feelings any more. I had to make peace. IF I hadn't made peace with the situation and myself, I would still be at war. There would still be pain and anger. I don't have that. I'm SO thankful that I am past that. It's been 25 years. He is not past this. I feel bad for him. He is angry and unforgiving. I don't know that it's aimed at me. Maybe it's with himself. I don't know, but I see what it's doing. 

People are doing hateful things to others. These are difficult times, to say the least. I am not trying in any way to lessen the things which are happening in the world. Those are scriptures for another time. There is much hatred in the world. Love can overcome that hatred. When something happens to someone else, or groups as in mass shootings. Instead of spewing more hate, we need to think of the families. How are they responding to the situation. Are we making it better or worse. Are we enticing a war and more hatred, or are we showing love and bringing peace.

I haven't written this to freak anyone out. I haven't written this to have anyone feel sorry for me in any way. I am writing because these are the things which have helped me through dark times. Despite the fact that some people think I know a LOT, I don't. Do I understand everything? OH HECK NO! I'm still trying to put all of the pieces together. While writing this I was reminded of the fact that when the Savior was here on the earth, He was and is the light of the world. After His crucifixion, and the Apostles and disciples died out, there was darkness. As the Christians were put to death over the years, the darkness grew. Then came the resurrection and the light was back. I look at my life in this same way. As a child, I had the light. I knew where the light came from and I embraced it. Then, when darkness enveloped my life, I dwelt there for a time, until I remembered where to find the light. The dark days are few and far between. I haven't wanted to take that last ride now for about four years. I'm holding on to the light and where it comes from, and finding the peace I need through the love of my family and friends, and life. I hope my last ride is many years in the future. Perhaps we all need to travel in darkness for a time, if only to find the light.