IT is with heavy

's that we post this. IT is NOT our usual post, and comes with a disclaimer. "Read at your own risk." It comes from deep within ALL of us at The Hermitage, and is NOT pretty. It is NOT fun. It is far from what Writer usually posts and there is no lightheartedness. It is dark, and comes from a place within us that we try to keep hidden from the outside world. But as Writer talked to all of us, she has helped us therapeutically. We are all a little less weepy. We are going to see what Chef is busy with. We might eat something. So, read if you will, BUT know that it is heavy and dark. You may read things you least expected. If you wish to reply, thank you. If you wish to offer a prayer, again, thank you. BUT DO NOT try to contact anyone at The Hermitage. We are busy wallowing in the life in The Hermitage.

27 May 2024

The Hermitage HATES this day. NOT Memorial Day, the 27th of May. Although Memorial Day makes us emotional, the heavy heart builds up for days as the 27th approaches. Try as we might, to keep our minds on other things, current life, family, etc. the heavy heart sneaks in and the emotions are high. SO high. And the depths of depression are SO low. Everything within is in turmoil and it ALL leaks out of the front of our face. We weep. We sob. We get Movie Buff to try to distract us. She put on You’ve Got Mail! EGADS!!! What WAS she thinking! And the sobbing begins.

Organizer has been trying to do her thing. She is thinking about updating the cookbooks for Chef and Baker. They have a proclivity of printing new ones off of the internet and then putting them on top of ALL of the cookbooks. They don’t file. Organizer files. Among other things. So, there is that. Organizer also got the maps, posters, drawings, etc. put away in a VERY strategic place. IF she forgets, someone will find them one day and be in for a surprise.

Board Member was given some binders, and she and Scullery Maid cleaned them up. They had been on shelves in the clubhouse for decades…about five of them, and needed a once over. They will be used for all of the journaling and scrapbooking. Some will be for the cookbooks. The walk was good for us, and the visit with some neighbors.

Dissectologist did the morning puzzles at 12:30 this morning. It was a little bit of a distraction. The Hermitage has a Lego Orchid kit to put together, also a puzzle with Cardinals. We LOVE Cardinals. That is a possible distraction as well.

Disciple and Camper got out some of the camping stuff for girls camp; sleeping bag, lanterns, camelback, cot, a poncho, etc. They still need to get some other things, but at least they are preparing!

Gardener checked out the tomatoes and strawberries. There are some to pick, but she will wait until dinner time. She also saw a couple of lizards. That is ALWAYS a good thing.

But even with ALL of this, and more, our hearts are heavy. Thirty-five years ago today the “king” walked out of our lives to “find out what he wanted in life,” and for thirty-five years we have tried to deal with this. It was an UGLY day, and just got worse as the time passed. Suicide was never far from our thoughts. We’ve done therapy. We have learned and understand the mind and how it works. We know what to do, what helps or doesn’t help. We also understand, and have been told that “our minds” are SO strong, and we need to program ourselves to deal with it. We try. Since it IS a heart thing, sometimes there is nothing we can do to overpower the heavy feelings. The mind is stronger most of the time, but not when it comes to fighting with the heart. We’ve tried BBQ’s, going places, and other things, but we aren’t able to control our feelings, so it gets ugly. There have been times over the years when we were okay, but the older we get, the harder it is to realize that “happily ever after” isn’t part of our lives. That we don’t have someone to “grow old” with. We wonder if “dreams really do come true?” That while we scurry about on a daily basis with our schedules, duties, projects, etc. there IS something/someone missing in The Hermitage.

Disciple reminds us that ALL things happen for a reason. ALL things have a purpose. Over the years, as we look back we can see how we have all been strengthened. We’ve all become more knowledgeable in our duties, etc. We were called upon to go through things we NEVER thought we would have to do, but we made it. We fought the battle. The trials and challenges were difficult, and we would look at her, “JUST ASK!!!” we demand! Because we didn’t remember standing in THAT line! But Disciple is strong. She would assure us that YES! We did stand in that line. We did agree to go through this. AND while sometimes things have been MORE difficult than we expected, Disciple has guaranteed that we are ALL different than we were thirty-five years ago. We are SO much more than we were. We are stronger, AND we ALL made it to this point. We LOVE the faith that Disciple has. She carries us. She has MORE faith than all of us together. SHE knows! SHE is strong where the rest of us are weak. SHE is a blessing in The Hermitage. She also reminds us that our prayers have ALWAYS been answered. EVERY single time! She reminds us that guardian angels have always been there to help us, and have saved us from doing the unthinkable. She reminds us that we have been comforted and protected all of our lives. Disciple is SO strong.

So as we press through this “anniversary” and try to remember the good things, the positive things, and family and friends, we know we are SO blessed, and we are SO grateful! This too shall pass. Tomorrow is another blessed and joyful event. That’s how it is in The Hermitage. Extreme lows and highs!