22 July 2019

I've been having a "discussion" with someone who is slightly younger than me about all of this hullabaloo which is going on.

I have lived in a little more than 7 decades, so I can't go WAY back personally, but I have taken a few history courses. So, while I have learned about past ages, I don't "know" them.

Since the beginning of time, basically, dogs have been man's best friend. I don't know where it all started, nor do I care to debate it. IF there is ONE thing I've learned from history, it's this. You can repeat it, you can do better, you can deal with it, you can revere it, you can accept what happened and keep going. BUT you CAN NOT change it. No matter what you tear down. No matter what you destroy. You can not remove it and pretend it didn't happen. It did. Everything happens for a reason.

This "discussion" I've been having with this other person, is in regards to "comments" in the work place. Among other things. She wanted a "list" of things I've experienced over the years. You may insert a face here which is appropriate to the face I may have made. One where the eyes roll and well, you get the picture. She says that those making the comments, mind you, from high school and all of the places I've worked, ALL of those making said comments, etc. should be fired! HAHAHA!!!. First of all, I don't think it matters. I know I don't care. I don't even think I cared when comments were made. When I was in high school, All in the Family was a hit show. AND they covered every detail and aspect of life at that time. AND from where I was in life, it was pretty true to life as I knew it and had always known it. Women, for the most part, stayed home. Men went to work. People said what they wanted. It was a far different lifestyle than what we know now.

In the Old Testament, there are verses which say everything happens for a reason and there is a time for everything. This is true. Those who lived in the 1600's had a far different life than we do now. BUT we can not change that. Nor can we change the 1700's, 1800's or 1900's. We can't even change yesterday. BUT what we can change is us. I can change myself. I can't change you, my children, my co-workers, etc. I can only change me. And I can't change what I did in the past. I can only change my future. The way I talk, think, act, etc. So, why these people want to dig up the past, chastise the past, hash it over day after day and try to change it is just futile. We said, did, acted the way they acted back then because that's the way it was.

Yes, I was basically a Susie Homemaker. My mother was born in 1919 and when I wanted to go to college, she said "girls didn't do that. They get married, have children, and that's it." Whatever. I did get married. I did have children. I did the homemaker thing. Did I die because of it. NO. I've been blessed. Did I go to college. Yes. When I was 40. I still have some classes to finish, and hopefully I will do that this fall. But I am NOT the woman from the 50's who my mother and aunts were. While I thankfully have a part of that in me, I am SO much more. I never saw my mom put gas in a car, check the oil, change the wiper blades much less help pull the engine and tranny out. I never saw her mow the lawn. Put shingles on a roof. Jump off of a cliff. Water ski. Roller skate. Fix a bicycle. Build anything. Use a skill saw, table saw, drill, etc. BUT I've done all of those. And I sew, bake, cook, draw, crochet, knit, quilt, embroider, needlepoint, write, design, garden, etc. I golf, play baseball, and football. Sometimes a little basketball. I grew up in a time when girls couldn't do everything, BUT did it anyway. OUR generation made the next generations possible. If it weren't for the way women have changed over the years, not much would have changed. WE changed things. We rock the cradle, and because we rock the cradle we change the future.

 21 July 2024

Selenophile has reminded all of us in The Hermitage that the full moon is tonight. She waits for this event every month, and once in a blue moon, twice a month. Insert smirk. With the heat, it is getting to all of us, and it seems that none of us can be controlled—actions or mouth! 

We are NOT moody, however, many of us have been FAR too weepy in the last few days. Disciple couldn’t even hold it together for two hours while she was at the House of Worship this morning. It didn’t help that two of the hymns stirred her spirit and ALL of that leaked out her eyes. One was Come, Come Ye Saints. She believes that was picked because Pioneer Day is the 24^th. The other was Secret Prayer. When all of Queen’s children were still living at The Hermitage, the oldest would sit next to Disciple at the House of Worship. When that hymn was chosen, he sang the men’s part perfectly, and the memories of sitting with them flooded in. 

Prayer has been on ALL of our minds here at The Hermitage. Disciple prays a LOT, but the rest of us pray while working in our departments. Prayer is an amazing GIFT. We know there are people out there who don’t believe in it. Well, they don’t believe in anything of that sort. Prayer, God, etc. And that is their choice and we respect that. But ALL of us in The Hermitage KNOW ALLprayers are heard and answered. We also know that whether you believe or not, doesn’t matter. Prayers aren’t always the kneel down, bow your heads, and close your eyes, configuration. Sometimes they are the driving in the car with Chauffeur, someone cuts you off, you are spared, and Chauffeur quickly and quietly looks up and says, “Thank you!” OR “I see what you did!” Sometimes it is Gardener and Landscaper out in the yard trying to do some difficult task, like shoveling rocks for hours in the heat, frustrated they are doing it alone, tears streaming down their dusty faces, NOT saying anything. BUT they are seen. They are comforted. And after a few minutes they are back to their task. Sometimes it is a Student at her desk getting ready to take a test. She picks up her writing implement and as she does, she has a “thought” of “please help me remember everything I studied.” Queen, and Grandmomma, offer prayers and thoughts all day long. There are at least a dozen they pray for. They are always in prayer mode. Years ago, about 1993, Queen realized that she wasn’t in control. She always “thought” she was, but when the oldest earned his driver’s license, and asked for the keys to the car that evening, AND all the others wanted to “go with him” wherever he was going, SHE KNEW she was NEVER really in charge! AND she prayed. Boy did she pray. As they all walked out the front door, she prayed. As they all got in the Bronco, she prayed. As the Bronco left the driveway, and headed down the street to whereabouts unknown, she prayed. Eventually, that evening, they returned. No worse off than when they left. BUT she learned a LOT that night. One of Disciple’s favorite scriptures is Proverbs 3:5-6, “trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” That trust part became quite obvious. Through the years, ALL of us in The Hermitage have learned about that trust. Learned more about prayers. We KNOW it works. Disciple has studied extensively and shared what she has learned. 

Prayers can be thoughts, hopes, dreams, ideas, etc. They can be spoken, or in your mind, or heart. They can be tears streaming down your face. You can be sitting, kneeling, face down on the floor kicking and screaming! But know this, THEY ARE HEARD!!! Never think they are not heard. Even when there is no one else, or you THINK there is no one else, there is! 

We have all become SO close to God in our conversations that that is just what they are. Conversations. Sometimes the answers are immediate. Sometimes not. Sometimes we are told to wait. Sometimes He has something better in mind. AND then there have been the times where things “happen” and we don’t know the reason, BUT we find out later. Yes, sometimes prayers are answered before we even think about them or speak them. At those times, we are always in AWE of this great God and His power. His knowledge of each of us individually. Of every little happening in our lives. We are amazed, intrigued and in awe.

We LOVE to pray because of what happens when we do. We are grateful for ALL we have been blessed with, and so we give thanks! We have been given many gifts and talents here in The Hermitage, and we know that where much is given, much is expected. So we ask what we can do. Being an instrument in God’s hands, and serving others is always a blessing. It always lifts us. Asking Him for things is interesting. He already knows what we want and need, but He waits for us to ask. When we ask, we are ready for that blessing. He has so many blessings and miracles waiting for us, and all we need to do is ask. That in itself is a gift and blessing. We have also seen the blessing that come from fasting and praying several times this year alone. Not that we haven’t seen it in the past. We still remember major fasts we were part of in years past. And we have seen the fruition of these. 

Some of us have been told our prayers are long, and put others to sleep. We refrain from praying in their presence, and quietly offer our prayer within. It is God we are talking to after all, and not them. We take our praying to God seriously. We enjoy our conversations with Him. We are grateful to know He loves us, watches over us, and blesses us far more than we sometimes notice. 

So, if someone says you are in their thoughts and prayers, you don’t have to be on the same page. They aren’t forcing you to be on their page. They just know about thoughts and prayers and how they work. They have “seen” things in their lives. They have “seen” God at work. Some may say, “I prayed about this…and my prayers weren’t answered.” Yes they were. They were answered exactly the way they were supposed to be answered. You may not agree with the answer, but it doesn’t mean it was the wrong answer. It was exactly what was supposed to happen and when. All prayers are answered according to God’s plan and His timing. As those of us in The Hermitage look back on things, there is FAR more understanding of things we didn’t understand years ago. While there are still a couple of things that don’t make sense, we have faith and trust that what happened was correct. When you know, you know, and we know.

 14 July 2024

My body, my choice!

Writer is going WAY up the tree, and WAY out on a limb with this. You can follow her up, and out there, OR you can just stop reading. It is YOUR choice. No one is going to take it away from you, just like EVERYTHING else. YOU have a choice. Writer doesn’t care WHO you are, YOU always have a choice, and it can NEVER be taken away. No one can take away your ability to choose. It is YOUR GOD given right. With any choice. It is YOUR body and YOUR choice! You hear this ALL the time anymore. And it is true. You have the choice on EVERYTHING in life. You can do whatever you want, BUT YOU must accept the consequences for your choices.

Writer has thought long and hard about these things. This is NOT one of her typical works. Her works usually have humor, and are rarely on things she, OR anyone in The Hermitage hold within their hearts and souls. But this is going there. She has deliberated with everyone in The Hermitage at length. These are our thoughts on this.

You make numerous choices on a daily basis, whether you think about them or not; food, music, drinking, smoking, religion (or not), where you live, which way you will get there, who you talk to, or don’t talk to, your friends, your car, how you will wear your hair, sex, ETC. People may have an influence on those choices, “Do you want?” You can accept. You can say decline. You can hold off. With each choice there is accountability, reactions and consequences. Once you make a choice, everything is in motion from that point on.

As children, those of us in The Hermitage were taught about choices. We were taught through lectures, discussions, and examples. Sometimes our choices were met with, “You are the oldest! You should have made better choices! You knew better!” We were observant as to what others did, and sometimes this guided our choices. Some of these choices were based on life, some on religion, some were just plain common sense.

We thought about people with food allergies. We really never knew anyone with any food allergies when we were growing up, even until about 40 years ago. When Employee was working in education, she knew a LOT of people with them. One child was SO allergic to peanuts, if a child used the desk the period before this child and ate peanuts and got ANY part of the peanuts on the desk, this child could actually DIE! Employee was taught over and over about allergic reactions being part of the health office. This child, now an adult, MUST take a proactive approach to food in life! They cannot take ANY chances. Any chance at all can lead to death. They, and the parents, were VERY vigilant with this. NO peanuts anywhere. So, while this is their body, their choice, the choice must ALWAYS BE NO! By anyone around them. There are other food allergies and situations where they may not have to be as vigilant. Here in The Hermitage you will NOT find walnuts. We’ve eaten them when we didn’t know they were in something, and they do make our throats itch. So, we just leave them be. It is our body, our choice. DO we insist that no one else eats them? NO.

As small children, then as teens, we grew up around many alcoholics; family, relatives, friends, family friends, neighbors, etc. We witnessed personally what alcohol does and it was NEVER pretty. EVER! We witnessed people become completely different when they drink; argumentative, combatant, abusive, senseless, and antagonistic, among many other things. We never saw one of our grandfathers sober. He was always drunk, and always chewing. He died when Queen was eleven. When young, the decision was made that we would NEVER drink alcohol. At the present time, this is still holding, and we have never had an alcoholic drink. It is OUR body and our choice. Do we expect everyone else to do this? NO.

Smoking is the same. We’ve never seen any good come from this either and we have never smoked. It is OUR body and our choice. Do we expect this from others? NO.

Food is something we don’t take lightly, and it does show. Writer said there was no humor in this, perhaps she is wrong. We have been doing much better in the last ten years or so. We eat smaller portions and try to eat less sugar and fats. We are working on “moderation in all things” as we go through our day. We have had people from many different philosophies and practices suggest different eating habits and styles. We like far too many foods to go up those trees and out on those limbs. It is OUR body and our choice. Do we tell others what they should do? NO.

Well, we are back. Writer, and others took a half hour break. Most of us know what is coming next and it is difficult. To say the least. There will be no details…For the most part.

In late October of 1954 an unmarried woman with two boys found herself pregnant. None of us know the story and never will in this life. In late December of that year she married a man. Not the father of the baby. There are many little details, but he demanded she adopt the baby out. And when Queen was born, she was adopted by a couple who were struggling to have a baby. Growing up she was cared for, but when she was six her dad left. This was a difficult time, and continued to be difficult as her mother put the “fun” in dysfunctional. Was everyone’s life like this she wondered? Every year a different house and a different school. When she was nine, they lived in Albuquerque. There were “classes” at that time in school explaining “life,” and such. Yes, she paid attention. However, Queen’s mum had an uncle who lived there. Queen complained that she hated going over there, and explained why. These things fell on deaf ears as she was told “that’s the way some men are!” So when they visited, Queen stayed as far away as possible from him, and made sure she was NEVER alone. Then, at 15, coming home from a choir concert she got a ride with a fellow student. The ride didn’t go straight home. Didn’t go where Queen thought it would go. Things happened. Things we don’t talk about. BUT she remembers exactly HOW she felt…For a LONG time. To this day, when she thinks about it, she STILL remembers exactly how she felt. NO. The story was never told.

Queen, as well as everyone else in The Hermitage LOVES children and always has. Employee started babysitting at the age of 11. This has all been told in other writings. Queen always wanted to be a mother. Her dream was to have two boys and two girls. After she got married. In life, those of us in The Hermitage have learned that people randomly have sex, never caring what will happen. Then there is making love. In our minds, those are two completely different things. One is a completely careless act and choice you make with your body for pleasure. The other is a commitment made between two people for many reasons and purposes. Some people have sex and don’t even know the other person's last name. There are literally thousands of stories. They don’t care if there is an outcome, they are only concerned with their pleasure at the time. Maybe they were drinking. Maybe they were just thoughtless. The list of maybes and whys are extensive. But they are NOT thinking of any consequences. They are just performing a pleasurable act for their own reasons. They don’t care about the consequences of their acts until they find out they are pregnant.

Just as the child with the allergies MUST think of the consequences, or they will die, those who have casual sex for whatever reason should think of the consequences. Because we know there are consequences. IF you do NOT want to be pregnant, then that is where your choices begin. DO something so you don’t get pregnant. It is YOUR BODY and YOUR CHOICE!!! YOU have the opportunity to MAKE THAT CHOICE, and the choices are many. No one can take that choice from you. Say NO! YOU have that right. No one has taken that right away. Those of us in The Hermitage tried the pill. Tried several different kinds with horrible side effects. We used an IUD. Works just fine. YOU have the choice! NO one can take it from you.

Don’t be the child who can’t have peanuts, but eats them anyway. But if you do, you made that choice with what to do with your body. It was YOUR body and YOUR choice. And if it turns out you have created another body within you that was your choice. So, you did make a choice with your body. Now you have a choice of what to do with the new little body you carry within you. You are making the choice for that body because of the choice you made with your body. Choices are many in life. You make them every day. Sometimes when you make a choice it ripples and makes choices for others. Some who don’t have a voice yet.

The national rape-related pregnancies is 5%. It is interesting how many of those babies are born. How many of these women keep these babies? How many of them adopt them out? How many of these babies you may know: Eartha Kitt, Zahara Jolie-Pitt, Jesse Jackson, Nell Carter, Ethel Waters, and many others. Rape is not a pleasant thing to talk about. Statistics show rape has happened to girls as young as 11, and as old as 45, and most have kept the babies. The stories are heartbreaking and inspiring.

There aren’t statistics for casual sex pregnancies, however, the stories from the women who have carried their babies’ full-term are equally heartbreaking and inspiring.

But in the end, no one can take your choice from you regarding YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE. However, when you make the choice to have sex with your body, knowing you don’t want to get pregnant, you have made the choice for your body. The consequences of what happens thereafter is past your body, your choice. Will anyone in The Hermitage judge you? NO. YOU made the choice. It is YOUR body. That is a God given right. No one can take that right of choice. We only make choices for our bodies.

What's in a name?

For years I've been taught about names. As I search for names in the family tree, I've pondered about some of them, where they came from and why they were used. Names are important. They tell someone who you are, where you came from, occupations your ancestors may have had, etc. They give you an identification as to who you are. When you are named after someone, which many people are, you are supposed to do your best, be your best, so you don't tarnish the name of the person for which you've been named. I've been told my whole life, and I believe, that it's an HONOR and very special to be named after someone.
My first name came from my mother and her sister, and my middle names is after my dad. My oldest son was named after his uncle and father. My oldest daughter's middle name is the feminine version of her great uncle's middle name. My youngest daughter has my first name for her middle name. My youngest son was named after my dad and two good friends.
Most people, places, streets and highways, monuments and buildings, places of education such as elementary, middle and high schools, as well as colleges and universities, restaurants, arena's and stadiums, lakes, islands, cities, states, countries, ships, cars, companies, food, teams, and we can go on and on, are named for people. Even plants, flowers, birds, animals, etc. are named after people. And most people consider this an honor. To have something named after you OR have your name on something was something to celebrate.
Look around your town, observe merchandise, food, clothing and other items you purchase, check out the restaurants you patronize. More often than not, they have someone's name on it. Is this an honor? How did it become racist to have your name on something? I don't think I'm the only one who has always believed you were being honored by having your name on something.
Now I wonder, will they change the name of the United States of America? Will Washington be demoted? Will they change the name of Columbus, Ohio? What will happen to Chef Boyardee? Betty Crocker? Baby Ruth? Denny's? Papa John's or Murphy's? William and Mary? What about the Paul McCartney rose? Are they offended? Has anyone really been offended as their names have been used for almost everything we see or buy? Streets we live on or towns we live in? I have to wonder, and I think not. Next time you are out and about, or just in your kitchen or driving, see how many things you can find which has been named after someone. Anyone. I'm sure you will find dozens of things. You can't help but see things every time you use something, eat something, go somewhere. Names are everywhere. To start changing them would be ludicrous, at best.

It's Viral 12 March 2020

This week has certainly been interesting in MANY ways.
First we started with a time change. THEN an AWESOME full moon. We've had a LOT of rain. A panic over a virus. Parents sending their kids to school sick, thinking we are a clinic for their sick children, WHICH WE ARE NOT. Then there is the other side; parents who don't want their kids to get sick and withdraw them from school. Yet, I'm sure they aren't keeping them locked in their rooms until this all passes. Both are extreme. I'm seeing a LOT of extreme out there, which is frightening many others. Someone posted about a domino effect...and I'm seeing that out there. OH! And tomorrow is Friday the 13th. NOT that I am superstitious, but the wackadoodles who are, may find reasons to rain on parades...no pun intended, as it is raining and the parade was cancelled.
I went to the Temple tonight and spent a few hours there. Yes, it is still open, and they were answering the phones, "Las Vegas Temple. Yes we are open. If that changes, you will get an email."
It's been pouring rain for sometime now and we are in a flash flood watch. On the way home from the Temple, about 18 miles, maybe, I went through several flooded intersections and I'm sure it's only worse, as I've been home over an hour and it hasn't stopped pouring.
I found out that our Church meetings are cancelled until further notice. So, that will be interesting. I'm waiting to see what is happening with CCSD. I've not heard anything at this point.
This is "probably" the first time in my almost 65 years where tomorrow is questionable as to what will happen. I'm going to believe that my alarm will go off in the morning at 5:10, provided the power is still on. It didn't go off this morning as I forgot to set it. Whoops and dang. I'm guessing the sun will come up as it always does and I will continue with my morning "things" as usual. Am I panicked? Am I frightened? No. My boys called me today. One while I was talking with the other. That one sent a message to the other one while talking to me on the phone...they can do that...somehow...he said, "I'm on the phone with mom! Wait your turn." I laughed. They kill me. Each called about different things. The second one, who was waiting his turn said, "Mom...did you hear about Tom Hanks and his wife?" yes..."What about John Travolta?" no. "They thought he had it after going to Australia...turns out it was Saturday Night Fever and he's Stayin' Alive." I laughed. Hard. He said, "I knew I could count on you! They booed me here at work." They bring calm, crazy sanity to my life. WHY do people panic? My guess is they don't see or know the whole picture. The second son and I talked about how I taught them all to cook, plant and harvest food. They were taught to wash their hands, proper way to cough and sneeze. I prepared them for things like this. They aren't panicked. They are prepared. I'm prepared. WE will get through this one way or the other.
I've thought a lot about many scriptures all week. Scriptures dealing with being prepared and fear. This is one of them.
Doctrine and Covenants 38: 30"...but if ye are prepared ye shall not fear."
D&C 38:30. “If Ye Are Prepared Ye Shall Not Fear”

President Ezra Taft Benson commented on this verse in one of his general conference addresses:

“What are some of the calamities for which we are to prepare? In section 29 the Lord warns us of ‘a great hailstorm sent forth to destroy the crops of the earth.’ (D&C 29:16.) In section 45 we read of ‘an overflowing scourge; for a desolating sickness shall cover the land.’ (D&C 45:31.) In section 63 the Lord declares he has ‘decreed wars upon the face of the earth. …’ (D&C 63:33.)

“In Matthew, chapter 24, we learn of ‘famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes. …’ (Matt. 24:7.) The Lord declared that these and other calamities shall occur. These particular prophecies seem not to be conditional. The Lord, with his foreknowledge, knows that they will happen. Some will come about through man’s manipulations; others through the forces of nature and nature’s God, but that they will come seems certain. Prophecy is but history in reverse—a divine disclosure of future events.

“Yet, through all of this, the Lord Jesus Christ has said: ‘… if ye are prepared ye shall not fear.’ (D&C 38:30.)

“What, then, is the Lord’s way to help us prepare for these calamities? The answer is also found in section 1 of the Doctrine and Covenants, wherein he says: [D&C 1:17–18, 37].

“Here then is the key—look to the prophets for the words of God, that will show us how to prepare for the calamities which are to come [see D&C 1:38].” (In Conference Report, Oct. 1973, p. 89; or Ensign, Jan. 1974, p. 68.)

Sometimes the instant replay isn't so instant

Sometimes time erases life and sometimes it doesn't; or so it seems to erase things. I wonder at times why that is? The things I remember from a certain period in time completely block out other happenings. No one talks about any of it...usually…ever. It seems as though the door is shut and because of what’s in there, pain, questions, hurt, stress, fear, or whatever, no one wants to go there. But there are lessons behind that door; MANY lessons.

As I see life replaying in a different generation, the flags go up. The hurt, fear, pain and anger return as I see this replay in action. I wonder why this is SO vivid and apparent to me, yet so obscure to others. I bite my tongue, which is difficult, yet necessary. It's difficult, when they are your monkeys, swinging from vine to vine over the pits of fun and madness; some may even be pits of despair. I want to say "watch out" or "beware" but it doesn't come out. These monkeys are far too old for their mother to advise them. I want them to come to me, to confide in me. I want them to know what I know and what I've learned. There must be some value to that. There are lessons to be learned; I hate it. As a mother we want to protect them.Yet, I also know that though this vine swinging can be treacherous, and fun, there are needed lessons. So, I sit and wait with blinders on. Hoping the lessons will be learned before too much damage takes place.

I’ve been watching and thinking about things for a while now; possibly years. Today in RS our lesson was “Help from on High.” It brought me back to life 30 years ago...and then those decisions. Sort of a rewind and replay of my life. It brought me to decisions I didn't want to make, but instead of doing what I should have, and listened to my heart and the "help from on high" I listened to others; "others" who didn't know me. Who didn't know the situation; who were coming from somewhere in "their" lives and their inner person. They made suggestions which might have been right for their lives, but wasn't for mine. The told me what was best. People who were grabbing at straws themselves; they didn’t know any more than I did about their lives OR mine. Some were so quick to judge, so quick to get their say in, so quick to tell me how to run my life. I was young and desperate, with four small children. I didn’t know what I was doing either. Part of me wanted someone to tell me what to do so I didn’t have to make decisions…which could be wrong. The problem with this is, when their advice is wrong, you can sometimes blame them. You don’t have to be accountable for your actions. Alas, their “straws” didn’t work anymore in my life than mine did. I allowed the wrong "someone's" to run my life and give me advice.

There are times when I wonder what would have happened had I not listened to these well-meaning people. I can see now, thirty years later, where I am from listening, but I wonder...how would things be different or would they be different?

I do know that I came to know myself. I was brought to breaking points time and time again. Raising four children on my own was NOT what I wanted to do; it wasn’t what I ever thought I would be doing. But it brought me from a meek, naïve, young woman to what I am today. It brought me from behind the scenes to the front of the battle grounds. I fought every war for and in behalf of my children, and even fought my children. Even though I hated it, I was their fearless leader, who was SO afraid I couldn’t stand it at times. But it strengthened me.There are some who have thought I was always this strong, but they are mistaken. I was never like this thirty years ago...nothing like this. I allowed my life to be run by others; constantly being told what to do and how to do it and when to do it...what ever it was. AND "it" was usually everything, except bathing and going to the bathroom. 

While I am not really fearless, I have come a long way and can lead. I have lead many battles and have kept other battles under control. I've had to put the hammer down and I've had to use "tough love"; something I absolutely HATED doing, but it worked in the long run. Another painful memory from the past. And so, while these replays hurt, they served their purpose. They remind me of what not to do in many cases and help me to make decisions now. Would I still like someone to tell me what to do so it all comes out right in the end? YOU BET!!!

There are scriptures warning us about trusting in the “arm of man” over trusting God. But lessons needed to be learned. I didn’t come to that knowledge for several years. I’ve learned that God knows us from the beginning to the end. He alone knows what we need; as a loving Father, He is always there and willing to help, even though we don’t ask. He's never far and just waiting...He’s waiting for a nod in His direction and BOOM! He's helping like you wouldn't believe. He loves us more than anyone else. He wants us to succeed. He's willing to do whatever needs to be done. He's just waiting for you to ask, send a sign in His direction or a nod. I know from experience that when you break down and begin bawling, He is right there comforting you. He never leaves you comfortless. 

 

And so, I see this replay of life and hate it. I question it. Why do these things have to happen all over again? I know there is a lesson, and strength will follow. I know many, many things, for I've been through a lot. I want to get it all out. I want to know why. I want answers. Someday, when it's necessary, I will have them. Until then, I'm ready.

Just some thoughts rambling around today--4 October 2015

At 60, I have MUCH to be thankful for. I have enjoyed many blessings and happiness. I've had the opportunity to learn much. I've also been taught that there is opposition in all things. 

"For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility." (2 Nephi 2:11) 

So, with the blessings and happiness, there were many other things I've been through in opposition to the good; all of the places I've lived, the moves our family made, dysfunctional family issues, and trials and challenges. I've also been taught to give thanks for everything. 

"Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;" (Ephesians 5:20.) 

I am not oblivious to the things of the world; the happenings, news, rumors, or anything else. I see and hear the same news items the rest of the world sees. It is troubling at times and I try to avoid it. Social media makes it difficult at times. While much of it is in other parts of the world, and seems so distant not only physically, but in other ways as well, the emotional part is not far from me. Emotions are something which have played a big part in my life. At times I am the proverbial "emotional basket-case."

As a small child I attended Church. I felt love there. I felt a "light" there which loved. It warmed me and made me feel like I was "at home." I embraced it. In my "darkness" I held to it.

The scriptures have also been a part of my life. I'd look things up when I was at Church; and was pretty adept in Seminary scripture chases. It was only during the greatest trial of my life that they became a defining part of my life; they became part of the rock I used to get from the dark parts to the light.

Half my life ago, I thought everything in my life was turning out well. I was married to someone who I admired and had learned many things from. He was a great provider for our family. People would comment on what a "cute" family we were. We had four children; two boys and two girls. I LOVED my family. I wanted to be with them all the time. We went everywhere together. Yes, we had the ups and downs most families have, but I "thought" life was going well. Very well.

AND then my little Camelot fell apart...I in turn fell apart. The depression I'd been living with all of my life surfaced in a way I never thought or dreamed it would. At four, things began to happen in my life which turned it into a dark, murky world for me. My family life changed as often as switching the lights off and on. Because we moved every year, and I went to different schools every year, I quit making friends. I knew who every one was, and would converse, but I didn't really have friends I would hang out with. I didn't hang out. I was in my own crazy world, doing my own thing. As a child, alone in my room, I pulled my hair out and would bang my head against the wall. As a teenager, alone in my room, I would cut myself, pull my hair out, bang my head against the wall, and contemplate whether life was really worth going on. I was alone most of the time. Instead of doing what some do, I turned to the many talents I'd been blessed with; I enveloped myself in sewing, crafting, gardening, my journal writing, piano, art etc...and so here I was at 30...my family was falling apart and I was grasping at straws. I hung on for five years thinking things were going to work out. I waited. I was frustrated and desperate to make things work. Then I would find myself alone in my room; I cried, pulled my hair out, banged my head against the wall, and thought more and more that I really wanted this ride to be over...and how could I do that? How could I be thankful for this? What could I do to bring and end to this depression? This frustration? What would happen to my children? And so began the trial of my faith.

My spouse didn't want to go to counseling, but I went. Somewhere deep down I knew I needed it. I've went to two great counselors over the years, and learned much. I grasped everything I could. I began to build. I knew I had to start somewhere, so I started with what I knew. The basics. I knew I was a child of God. I was of royal birth. The "direction of my birth was through Heavenly Father." I knew I came here for a reason. I knew I had a purpose. I began to seek the answers. 

Each morning my children and I gathered at 5:30 in the morning. My oldest would get up at 5 and get ready for school, then he would get his siblings up and we would read our scriptures and pray. I would take him to high school and the others would begin to get ready for school. I also read the scriptures on my own. The first scriptures I clung to were:

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

With my children at 8, 10, 12, and 14, that's all I could bring myself to do each day. I had no clue what was going on, what would happen or what needed to happen. Some days I felt like I was a zombie--walking around in a daze. I lived from minute to minute, working up to hour by hour. Eventually it was day by day. When there were set-backs, which seemed at the time so frequent, I had to start all over. There were times when the darkness was so great, I wondered if there would ever be light again. Raising children by myself wasn't what I thought I had signed up to do. It was hard. At times I couldn't stand it. I wanted to have fun with my children, but was SO stressed about discipline. I was getting hit on all sides. If they weren't model children at Church, I heard about it. If they weren't perfect at school, I heard about it. Their father was constantly reminding me of what he expected. And my in-laws had their expectations and threats. I'm sure everyone meant well, but it was overwhelming more often than not. I also had high expectations for me and for them, and expected the behavior that went with it. BUT I wanted to be their mom and do fun things...yet I was the constant disciplinarian...always making sure they did the right things. AND I was in my world of wanting out of it. The discouragement I found in myself ran high most days. What did I know that I could cling to? What or who would help me and save me from this? Trust. I had to trust that God knew more than I did and He knew what was going on. I had no understanding of all of this, just trust that He did. 

The next group of scriptures I clung to seem to answer EVERY question I've ever had. I still cling to these verses. When I see things happening I can't explain. When there are disasters, turmoil, and heartache in the world, I look to the message of these verses. They are from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. Everyone interprets the scriptures through their own experiences and where they are in their lives. You may see something here that may mean the same thing to you, yet others may see something different. 

1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

Everything has a season. Sometimes that season is short, sometimes it's long. Everything has a purpose. I knew I was here at this time for a specific reason. I was a part of something greater than just me and my life.

2. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

My mother will be 97 in January 2016. Now and then she asks why she has lived this long? I try to explain that it isn't her time. I was born at a specific time and given to a couple for a specific reason. I believe everyone has a time to be born and a time to die. I believe God knows when those times are. It's part of His purposes and part of His great plan.

 

3. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 After EVERY disaster, every mass shooting, war, etc. we pull together and we heal. We build up. I so vividly remember September 11th, 2001. My gosh! It was probably the most horrifying thing I've ever watched...and as a country, as a world, we pulled together, we tried to help each other heal, we built back up.

As my marriage and family fell apart, eventually, over time, we healed. We built ourselves up.

4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Yes, there are times to cry and laugh and mourn and dance. We have to have those emotions. If  we don't have sad times, we can't appreciate the good times. In mourning, we reminisce and learn from those who have gone on, or times which have passed. Then we are able to dance and celebrate those special people or those hard times which we've passed through.

5. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

As my family was being scattered it was difficult, but I believe we have gathered together in a way which has made us close. I moved away for 12 difficult years. Jenny moved away for several years. Mike was in the Army for four years. Jessica was away at college for awhile and Bobby moved away. We were scattered all over the place. Now we all live within 15 miles of each other. We are close, not only physically, but spiritually. We embrace and accept each other in so many ways. We have grown because of circumstances, experiences, trials and challenges.

6. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

There was a time in our early years of marriage when there was a saying around our home; "He who dies with the most toys wins." My gosh! We had everything. The kids' friends LOVED coming to our house. We had cars (over 20 at one time), motorcycles, three-wheelers, a boat, travel trailer, etc. We went camping a lot and just seemed to have it all. And then it was gone. At 60, I realize what is important to keep and what I will be casting away when I find a home. Simplify. Cast away.

7. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

As a seamstress, I know the adage well, "As ye sew, so shall ye rip." HAHA! Yes, there is a time when you make headway, and a time when you don't. I've been at a plateau for several years. It's not only frustrating, but wearing on my faith. I have to hold to my faith and know that it's going to work out and all will be well. 

I used the next part of this verse a lot in my primary classes. I explained that there were times they could speak, and times when they would listen. It's true in life as well. There are times when we need to just sit and listen. Whether it's the troubles of others, the sounds of nature, the sounds of our children, the sounds of life...and then there is a time when we should speak. Maybe we need to speak up for ourselves. Maybe we need to speak for others because they can't or are unable. At times we have a responsibility to speak up.

8. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

This one is difficult. In my marriage there was love. The separation and divorce brought pain, anger, war, and then forgiveness. I don't hold any hard feelings any more. I had to make peace. IF I hadn't made peace with the situation and myself, I would still be at war. There would still be pain and anger. I don't have that. I'm SO thankful that I am past that. It's been 25 years. He is not past this. I feel bad for him. He is angry and unforgiving. I don't know that it's aimed at me. Maybe it's with himself. I don't know, but I see what it's doing. 

People are doing hateful things to others. These are difficult times, to say the least. I am not trying in any way to lessen the things which are happening in the world. Those are scriptures for another time. There is much hatred in the world. Love can overcome that hatred. When something happens to someone else, or groups as in mass shootings. Instead of spewing more hate, we need to think of the families. How are they responding to the situation. Are we making it better or worse. Are we enticing a war and more hatred, or are we showing love and bringing peace.

I haven't written this to freak anyone out. I haven't written this to have anyone feel sorry for me in any way. I am writing because these are the things which have helped me through dark times. Despite the fact that some people think I know a LOT, I don't. Do I understand everything? OH HECK NO! I'm still trying to put all of the pieces together. While writing this I was reminded of the fact that when the Savior was here on the earth, He was and is the light of the world. After His crucifixion, and the Apostles and disciples died out, there was darkness. As the Christians were put to death over the years, the darkness grew. Then came the resurrection and the light was back. I look at my life in this same way. As a child, I had the light. I knew where the light came from and I embraced it. Then, when darkness enveloped my life, I dwelt there for a time, until I remembered where to find the light. The dark days are few and far between. I haven't wanted to take that last ride now for about four years. I'm holding on to the light and where it comes from, and finding the peace I need through the love of my family and friends, and life. I hope my last ride is many years in the future. Perhaps we all need to travel in darkness for a time, if only to find the light.